"feelings are valid, but not always true."
this is a one-liner i say OFTEN, much to the dismayed eyerolls of my clients. for me, nothing is truer: feelings are all valid, but they’re not always true.
what do I mean by that?
let me illustrate with a story.
i had a client once who was upset with me, and told me so. i was messaging with this client to schedule for the week, and because i was away from my laptop while doing so i forgot their away dates for vacation. we had previously discussed meeting on a monday upcoming to make space for their pre-travel scramble.
but, without my computer and notes in front of me, i noted tuesday would be the best day to meet instead. this left them frustrated, and feeling disregarded and deprioritized. we all know that pre-vacation scramble is already hectic enough without your care professionals forgetting the days and times you requested.
the client begrudgingly took the session i offered on tuesday, and were direct in letting me know during that the whole situation had pissed them off.
(by the way, I love when clients feel comfy telling me when I’ve irritated them off. rapport = built.)
I expressed my apologies for adding stress and for being forgetful, admitting that I had been responding to their scheduling inquiries from the airport instead of from my office.
you see, i had been away for my own two weeks hosting my annual south africa retreat week. instead of waiting to get home and settled in front of my laptop late on a sunday night, i messaged this client back as soon as I had landed, aiming to get back to them as quickly as possible after my two weeks away. i was scrambling to deplane and find the global entry line while balancing my phone in one hand, writing them back. for me it was simple: my monday was already quite jam packed, and so i offered them tuesday instead.
if i had waited to arrive home, i would have seen their vacation note reminder, and that we had previously discussed their monday preference, but alas.
i shared this with the client, amidst my apology offering an explanation for why the vacation reminder hadn’t been in front of me. and here’s the thing: i saw the clients feelings change right then and there. i saw the client’s face brighten instantly. they said, “oh! well knowing you were barely landed from your own trip and clearly trying to get back to me ASAP is actually really nice, and makes me feel like i was important to you, not at all forgotten. no wonder you forgot my vacation dates, you were still at the airport!”
suddenly, there was context, and thus there was understanding.
suddenly, the client’s feelings shifted from a +1 agitated, annoyed state to a 0 pleased, grateful state. no, we couldn’t take back the already-experienced annoyance and frustration, but I watched any lingering upset dissolve away in learning that i was actually prioritizing them! yes, i still forgot our prior conversation about monday v. tuesday, but it happens. we were both simply human beings doing our best.
quickly, they went from feeling “my counselor forgot about my needs and requests” to “my counselor was trying to schedule me ASAP knowing she’d been away and i’d been anticipating a session.” context can be so clutch.
and, if I may add, we don’t need the context to shift how we feel, or how we react.
I use this metaphor in session a lot:
the guy who cut you off in traffic is either an asshole, or rushing someone to the hospital.
here’s the most important part: we’ll never know which it is, and we don’t need to know his context to extend our most sympathetic gaze. both scenarios are equally possible, and if the truth of the matter is irrelevant, er, impossible to know, then why not choose to believe the version of the story that doesn’t piss me off?
often, people are doing their best, failing while trying, and the grace we extend in those moments by way of assuming the best not only helps them, it helps us too. yes, context can offer a lot of clarity by way of details and storyline, but sometimes you simply aren’t going to get that context. and frankly, you don’t need it.
listen, if you’re looking to feel angry, annoyed, or pissed off, then by all means assume the guy cut you off in traffic just because he felt like it. assume your counselor knew you wanted to meet monday but offered tuesday anyway. the thing is, I know most of us aren’t aren’t looking to feel upset, right?
in that phrase, “looking” is so purposeful. how often are we looking for all the ways we’ve been wronged, for all the ways a person has let us down or disappointed us. in some ways, in some moments, that feels good, beneficial: to be the victim, to be in the right.
the thing is, whatever we’re looking for, we will often find. the glass is both half full and half empty, but which aspect are you going to focus on?
so i say, look for the good and allow yourself to find it. and when you can’t be sure, or don’t know the context, why not assume the best?
i’m not saying its easy, and i certainly don’t have the skill perfectly down, not by a long shot. but its a skill i’m working to build, a muscle i’m discovering and strengthening. something effortful now, that i hope will become more and more automatic. and it has. practice make progress.
so, next time you locate yourself somewhere less than desirable on the feelings wheel or somatic balancing guide, see if you can consciously, deliberately, effortfully look at the other side of the coin, the full half of the glass, the guy rushing his laboring wife to the hospital, and find the context that makes you feel how you want to feel.